I’ve really never wanted to be one of those people who kicks another when he’s down, and Barry Bonds is certainly down now. Besides a federal indictment (which apparently now is going to be rewritten), injury problems, and the general scorn of the community of baseball fans, he’s apparently having some trouble finding employment. His job hunt difficulties are nothing new –- and they’ve been fodder for other writers before (see this site for some resume writing strategies for Bonds).
But now, it seems, the union’s going to get involved, and is going to investigate whether or not any collusion is going on in the collective reluctance of the 30 MLB teams to hire Barry. I can’t imagine this being anything more than a pro forma response to ensure it’s protecting the rights of one of its members. Union head Donald Fehr certainly didn’t sound too enthusiastic when asked about this. One can imagine the phone conversation in the office, passing the word down that “yeah, we gotta do this.”
Which got me thinking about Bob Newhart. Follow me on this one. Well before his television career, Newhart got his start as a stand-up comedian whose routines often involved him portraying a participant in an improbable phone conversation, such as a security guard at the Empire State Building calling for advice on what to do about King Kong. One of my favorites is a phone call to Nelson Doubleday discussing marketing strategies and the rules for baseball, ending with the comment, “forget it. No one will ever play baseball.”
So, with apologies to Bob Newhart, here’s what I think might happen if Barry Bonds interviewed by phone for a job with a team that's not quite at the MLB level…
"Well, Mr. Bonds, I have your resume and cover letter here in front of me, and we're pleased that you've expressed interest in joining us here at Rancho Cucamonga Middle School. I'm Assistant Principal Stevens. Our Principal, Mr. Johnson, is in the room here with me, and he'll be listening while I do this interview. Our process here is to conduct initial interviews by telephone, and then invite a small group of applicants to interview in person.
"Now, we do have a number of questions that we ask of all job applicants, but before we begin that portion of the interview, I need to clear up a bit of confusion. Based on your resume, I'm not quite certain which position you're applying for…"
"I see. Well, while I certainly recognize your interest, we already have a health teacher, and Mrs. McGreevy won't be retiring for a number of years. We do have a baseball coaching position, for which it seems you're qualified. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Principal Johnson is telling me that it's an assistant coach position.
"Good. Good. I'm excited as well. Now, can I ask you, how did you learn about this position?
"Interesting. Most of our applicants don't have agents, you see. They learn about job openings through the newspaper, job fairs, and so forth. Okay. So, tell me a little bit about yourself, and why you're interested in joining us.
"Career change? Well, I can certainly understand that. A lot of our teachers are second-career people… yes, the economy is tough, these days. Job market is saturated. Yes, I understand. I should caution you that there are a lot of people interested in teaching as well. Now, what sort of relevant experience do you have?
"Well, I do think I've heard your name before, but I can't remember where… oh! You're a professional athlete? How exciting. What do you play? Baseball? Well, that seems appropriate, I suppose. And are you still playing?
"No, I'm afraid I don't follow baseball. I like golf, personally. Do you know Tiger Woods?
"No. Okay. So you're a baseball player… You're the current home run record holder. Again, I don't really know that much about baseball… Principal Johnson just scrawled a large asterisk on your resume. I really don't know what that means… Let's just say that you've played professional baseball for a few years, and leave it at that. I'm sure you'd make a fine assistant coach for our school.
"Now, do you have any questions for me?
"Right. Now, while we certainly don't mind you having the occasional guest in school, I'm afraid that in general, we won't be able to let you have an entourage. I'm sure they're all nice people, but it might cause a bit of a distraction. Other questions?
"Yes. If you're offered employment, you will be required to take a drug test… well, I think that you go to a hospital for that… what are they screening for? Gosh, I don't know… the usual things, I suppose. I'd have to get back to you on that one. That's a technical question beyond me, really. Maybe you could ask our chemistry teacher… oh, that noise is Principal Johnson coughing… goodness, I think he's laughing and crying at the same time. I think we have time for one more question.
"Well, I guess that really depends. Certainly you're permitted to miss work if you have to appear in court, although I think that policy is really meant for jury duty, or a traffic ticket… perjury trial? Gosh, that sounds like it might take up a lot of time. Well, we'll have to burn that bridge when we come to it, I suppose.
"Well, again, on behalf of the entire interview committee, I want to thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. I know we have a number of other highly qualified candidates for this position… I know that the librarian, Mr. Johnson, is interested. He's never played baseball, but the kids love him… We'll be making our decision in the next few weeks. Okay, Mr. Bonds. I'll be talking to you. Bye."
1 comment:
Very funny.
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